Trapped in a continuous battle with Miss Kardashian for the worst Kim ever, Kim Jong-Un has been making some serious moves. Since his divine ascension to the throne following his father's death in 2011, Lil' Kim has repeatedly spat in the face of every decree, proposed sanction, and general suggestion on how to avoid getting his shit pushed in by the rest of the world. It's clear at this point that man just doesn't give a good God damn about anyone, especially his own people. I mean, I can only jokingly ever use the term supreme and it is almost always followed by the word taco or meme, but this guy actually made Supreme Ruler his official title; even his Wikipedia page refers to him as such. From the widespread famine, Truman-show level disillusionment, and the thick-headed steadfast determination of a drunk head-butting a street sign, he truly is this century's evil villain. While the man is undoubtedly a detestable despot on the brink of driving us into nuclear war, I thought we would all enjoy a little break from his bullshit to debate the following:
Which pop culture villain is Kim Jong-Un most like?
1. Buddy Pine AKA Syndrome - The Incredibles
See? Now you respect me, because I'm a threat. That's the way it works.
Departing from the rebellious, ant burning, backyard bully that was Sid in Toy Story, Pixar introduced a new bad boy in 2004's Incredibles. Syndrome has all the detestable qualities that make him a sure stand-in for our boy Kim Jong-Un: insatiable ego, unquenchable thirst for world domination, and unrivaled immaturity. Alright, maybe not unrivaled...
I'm sorry, I had to.
Buddy Pine actually started out idealizing Mr. Incredible in his youth, at one point declaring he was his biggest fan. However, after constant rejection from his idol, Pine eventually abandoned his quest to become sidekick to Mr. Incredible and began to blaze his own path as a super villain. Aside from being an obnoxious little sociopath, I like to picture Kim getting caught looking at old photos of American tradition by his late father.
Perhaps he was scolded for his curiosity into the forbidden fruit that is the American dream which ultimately led to his father's broken heart. One stormy night, surrounded by cold concrete and towering glass, Kim stares out into the desolate kingdom he has just inherited. A servant drenched in light from an adjacent banquet hall respectfully beckons Kim to join them in some gathering. He is dismissed with a silent wave of the hand. Kim now stands alone in the dark. A bolt of lighting flashes his reflection upon the drenched pane. As his image vanishes, so too does the foolish child inside of him. After years of being shunned and denied a father's love, Kim Jong-Un vows to defeat that which he once dreamed about, 'MERICA.
Plus, I have no doubt in my mind that he would no chill kidnap an infant.
I'll take this one.
2. Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot AKA The Penguine - DC Universe
Easily Danny DeVito's most pivotal role of his career.
Brutal, bitter, bumbling, Penguin is the more wide than tall, scourge of the seedy back alleys and ever aspiring king of Gotham. Aside from the obvious proportional comparisons, Penguin is an ostracized aristocrat who desperately wants to be a part of the upper crust of society. He is hailed as a master thief, and rumored to possess impressive martial arts abilities but looks like he would require a motorized scooter to get through his shopping list at Walmart. In his Silver Age legacy, Penguin is an unlikely thug attempting to make something of himself within a local mob. After the infinite Earths storyline, Penguin is legitimized with his own business and revered as more of a depraved criminal with a touch of class.
Regardless of which imagining of Penguin offered up as comparison, he is always portrayed as an unassuming and ill-equipped adversary. Much like the laughably outdated military hardware Kim Jong-Un faithfully continues to chuck into the sea, Penguin's main armament is an umbrella that shoots a variety of goodies, kind of a one-time trick if you ask me. A bit more unpredictable is his private avian air-force, but if you have the basic ability to shield your face and uninterrupted access to Alka-Seltzer, you should be able to fend off any onslaught they attempt.
Get fukken rekt.
The underdog unpredictability of a fat man desperate for acceptance onto the world stage is just the sort of crazy Kim Jong-Un exudes. In addition, his devout followers are predominantly psychologically dependent or damaged. He even has a number of restaurants that, just like with the penguin, are a series of fronts for prostitution. If you are exceptionally attractive, you get to leave the shit hole that is North Korea, the only tradeoff is you have to bang wealthy businessmen. One characteristic we can all hope he shares is penguin’s uncanny ability to get continually trampled in satisfying ways, making him an ideal punching bag, plus it's convenient that he’s already the shape of one.
3. Joffrey Lannister - Game of Thrones
Making everyone reconsider their stance on beating a child.
When you think of insolent little shit-heads that needed to be given less titty and more of hitty, you probably think of Joffrey. A product of incest, raised by a verifiable sociopath, given everything he ever wanted and more, Joffrey is the kid you fear your child will make friends with in public school. I'm positive that at the conclusion of the series, a BLU-RAY box set will reveal some deleted scenes of him putting a cat into a brick oven. If you aren't up-to-date on Game of Thrones, first off, bruh... Second, Actor Jack Gleeson's portrayal of the Boy King was so reviled, George R.R. Martin sent him a personal letter stating, "Congratulations on your marvelous performance, everyone hates you." Kim Jong-Un has also nearlysucceeded in uniting long standing rivals over a common problem. I'm not sure if Dennis Rodman ever wrote Kim a similarly worded letter, but that's only because I'm not sure Rodman can write.
And while we can't be sure whether or not the unbreakable Kimmy-Un entertains himself by viciously torturing prostitutes, the terrifyied faces the poor people make in photographs with their Dear Leader seem to support the possibility.
So long as I am your King, treason shall never go unpunished!
Come to think of it, the majority of both Kim and Joff’s populous over which they respectively rule is impoverished, if not enslaved. Also, they both have to constantly remind people that they are the one in charge through various tantrums and rants. As of now we don't know whether or not Kim is inbred, but I can’t say I’d be surprised. One of the really neat things they are made to believe in the NK is that their leaders are eternal. That’s right, his pop pop, Kim Jong-Il, is the Eternal General Secretary and the Eternal Chairman of the National Defence Commission, indicating there are either so few in number or so under qualified candidates available that they had to give two positions to a dead guy. Imagine how the guy that lost out to a dead man felt…
4. Dr. Evil - Austin Powers
Yesh, toit like a toiger.
Say what you will about the little guy, but the tyrannical leader of the North Korea has been on a roll lately. Calling prime ministers prostitutes, detonating nuclear devices, and test launching ICBMs, tossing them over neighboring countries, Kimbo Sliver seems completely unaware that there might be repercussions for going so far off the reservation. My last offering is the impossible and ridiculously named schemes of one Dougie “Evil” Powers Ph.D., from the Austin Powers trilogy.
Dr. Evil, seemingly perpetually angry at the rest of the world for reasons unknown, continues to make absurd world domination plans that consistently fail. Couple that with his comical naming of these endeavours and you have an almost mirror image of Kim-o-licous’ life. For example, while you may know that Kimmy has been lobing missiles in random directions in a perpetual war with Poseidon, you may not know that these missile are in fact named the ‘Taepodong’ series. That wasn't a freudian slip, it really is pronounced Type-O-Dong and roughly translates to, "large watery place," which incidently is the only place these puppies seem to be headed.
Classified Large Watery Place Plans
Don't worry, the similarities don't end with phallic nomenclature obsessions. If you remember from the movie, or took it from the context clue provided in Dr. Evil’s last name, he and Austin Powers are brothers. The world's real life equivalent of a comedy supervillain also went on to have his half brother assassinated in Malaysia earlier this year. In typical Austin Powers fashion, this political murder was carried out by actual female agents spraying some toxic concoction in Kim Jong “long dong” Un’s brothers’ face.
We’re not making this shit up. If North Korea had the fortune of being situated on an island where a secret volcano lair could have been hollowed into it, this would be a meme come true. I honestly can’t decide which character best represents Kim Jong-Un’s improbable rise to power and bizarre behavior. It is entirely possible that a couple of DVD's, actually let's be real, VHS movies from the last few decades were discovered by this twatwaffle and in either the most ludicrous or clever turn of events, he is employing all the tactics he picked up while watching them.
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