First and foremost, at this point it is almost a recommendation by the surgeon general’s office when commenting in any way on a subject matter that may affect the Clintons to state the following:
I am in no way, shape, or form suffering from depression. I do not travel in crime ridden areas throughout my hometown nor do I walk alone at night. I have no plans for any travel on any fixed wing, small engine, private aircrafts. I am not involved in any seedy activity that might otherwise increase the chance of bringing about my untimely death upon the publication of this piece. Should you find me dead, please add me to the Arkansas list as I was likely murdered.
Now that we have that out of the way, let's talk about this tantrum Hillary felt compelled to have published. What better place to start than with the very beginning in the author’s note where Hillary writes:
"This is my story of what happened. It’s the story of what I saw, felt, and thought during two of the most intense years I’ve ever experienced."
Sorry, Bill, that part where our marriage pretty much fell apart because you were sneaking blowies in the oval office didn’t quite rank.
I didn’t even shed a tear.
I guess I can’t disagree with that. Why let some shitbag breaking your sacred vows be the tantamount definition of intensity in your life? So far so good, twenty seven words in, and I’m still on board. Wait a minute, what’s this? Three indentations below that and we are making our first reference to Russian interference. Maybe it’s just a fluke, I thought. But I would be wrong, out of the 512 pages that comprise What Happened, there are 168 uses of the word ‘Russian.’ In fact, there is an entire chapter named, and I’m not making this up: "Trolls, Bots, Fake News, and Real Russians."
That means roughly 32% of this book contains a loose reference to Russian’s being at least some part of what happened despite mounting evidence suggesting that the now deceased former employee of the Democratic National Party, Seth Rich, was the cause of the infamous DNC leak, not the Russians. Whomp whomp. Unfortunately, Hillary doesn’t mention Seth Rich even once in her entire memoir, despite him being a member of her campaign staff, probably because of the unexplained murder.
I’m the guy that got shot in the back twice during a robbery where nothing was taken. It had nothing to do with me leaking her emails, promise.
We smoothly transition to her grace and patriotism masturbatory session where in which we are given a lecture on Hillary’s insurmountable humility and courage that she demonstrated by showing up to the incredibly painful inaugural speech. Poor H even describes her Scrubs-like flashbacks to former presidential hopefuls having to stomach losses, such as second President John Adams, who, ‘suffered the indignity of being the first President ever voted out of office.’ Which is essentially saying, John Adams, the first guy to not be the President again because we had never voted before and the only other President before him, George Washington, resigned because our country hadn’t figured out how to not be a monarchy yet. Good point Hill.
John Adams, Second President of the United States, sufferer of indignity.
She never addresses her for-profit college that paid their “honorary chancellor” Bill Clinton $16 million while the state department provided the college with $55 million during Hillary’s time as Secretary of State. Nor is there any honest talk about her appointing, Rajiv K. Fernando, a platinum tier Clinton campaign donor, to the State Department’s International Security Advisory Board despite him having absolutely no qualifications for the position other than being able to raise a lot of money for the Clintons.
She does address the Benghazi incident, but only to contextualize how the Republicans exploited the tragedy to launch investigations into the incident during her campaign as a means to hurt public opinion of her. She even sort of pats herself on the back after building up the pressure she had faced during an eleven-hour congressional hearing by celebrating that her debate with Bernie Sanders went better than she could have hoped for and that Joe Biden bowed out. To her credit, she did actually testify for an entire, consecutive 11 hours in front of a congressional committee, but that isn’t a proud feat and certainly didn't boost her campaign. In fact, it was an unprecedented first to have a presidential hopeful be both under congressional interrogation and federal investigation during the race. And whether or not the narratives or stages were set by Republican officials, the reasons prompting any investigations were Hillary’s doing, and her’s alone.
Not that she is Darth Vader. Probably. She’s certainly no Sheev Palpatine, amirite? He’d get elected.
During the Commander and Chief Foum, Matt Lauer asked of Hillary’s emails, “Why wasn’t it more than a mistake? Why wasn’t it disqualifying, if you want to be Commander in Chief?”
"It was disappointing but predictable that he had so quickly steered the supposedly high-minded “Commander in Chief Forum” to the subject of emails... I made a mistake with my emails. I apologized, I explained, I explained, and apologized some more. Yet here we were, after all these months, and after the FBI finished its work, at a forum supposed to be about the security of our country, and to balance the fact that Trump was going to have a hard time answering even the most straightforward questions, we were spending our time on emails."
This is my main issue with the overall attitude that a candidate for office, especially for one as important as the President, has demonstrated repeatedly. The Forum in her own words was about security. The emails being improperly stored demonstrated a lack of respect for the security policies in place and indicate a preference for her convenience over national safety. I thought it was a very fair and well worded question that many American’s were probably wondering. The fact that Hillary believes explaining it and apologizing for it is enough and that we should move on to getting her elected seems overtly brazen and incredibly dismissive of responsibility and consequence. I mean if I did that for even a private company, my ass would be in jail for a long time.
I really don’t think I’m overreaching here either. In her chapter, "Those Damn Emails," which sounds like something a Scooby Doo villain would cite as their reason for not getting away with it were it not for, Clinton asks:
“Why did the media decide to present the controversy over my emails as one of the most important political stories since the end of World War II? How did I let that happen? How did we?”
If I’m taking those follow-up questions in the context laid out in the first question, then it kind of sounds like she is asking ‘how did I/we let the media present the email controversy on such a grand scale?’ The answer to which would be a hopefully obvious, because you shouldn’t aspire to control the media… You should aspire to better role model.
Not the best example, I know.
At the beginning of the chapter "Why," she starts by quoting president John F. Kennedy, a man known best for having a job she never will: “Victory has hundred fathers, but defeat is an orphan.” She then does her best to dismantle that quote throughout the rest of that chapter by blaming everyone she met along the way, mainly former FBI Director Comey.
Its interesting to note that even though this chapter is titled "Why," she fails to address in any meaningful way any of the previous scandals and shady deals from her life. It’s as if she somehow forgot that her entire existence has been a race to become America's foremost corrupt female politician. For a small sample of the reputation damaging indiscretions Shillary has been a part of outside this book see below:
- Insider investing within the cattle industry
- Giving secret speeches to wall street for $500,000 a piece
- Improperly using Clinton Foundation funds in Haiti
- Using Clinton Foundation funds to partly pay for her daughter's wedding
- Installing Clinton Foundation donors into key positions in the State Department
- Bragging about getting an admitted pedophile acquitted of sexual assault charges
- Being fired for being dishonest during the Watergate trials
- Receiving debate questions in advance from news sources
- Having her campaign be directly involved with policing the wording of news articles from major news sources
- Having the State Department misplace 6 billion dollars of taxpayer money
- Lying about being under sniper fire in Bosnia
- Using the FBI to collect information and compile a list about rival politicians across the aisle.
- Using her position as Secretary of State to sell uranium rights to Russian nationals.
In her illustrious political career Hillary has been a political lawyer, First Lady of Arkansas, First Lady of the United States, a United States Senator from New York, and Secretary of State. Donald Trump’s accomplishments include being a sleazy rich businessman. No seriously that's like his whole deal. If Hillary Clinton is Tom Brady, and Donald Trump is Michael Vick, people still would like Michael Vick more. Sure he killed some dogs, but at least he didn’t cheat while having the most Superbowl rings of any NFL player, ever.
While I certainly can continue, my only fan, Joe, would probably tell me this has gone on long enough so I’ll end with this summary. I don’t really see the point of this book other than to secure more funds from the people that already supported your failed campaign. I’m not a Trump lover either, the guy is fucking moron, but I just don’t think I need a book from Hillary explaining to me what happened. I’m the American voter, I know what happened girl. And it wasn’t sexism, it wasn’t partisan attacks, it wasn’t even the Russians…
You began the entire campaign on the wrong foot by starting with the slogan, “I’m with her.” An incredibly ambitious strategy for someone with your reputation. You already lost a previous presidential election to a man who, let’s be frank, had a severe disadvantage due to his race. You yourself attacked his birth origin. Whether true or not, you have been surrounded throughout your career by scandals and managed to drum up two more while running this race. Then when the DNC royally butt fucks a crowd favorite, you make Debbie Wasserman Schultz your campaign manager. You had one job, be more likable than Donald fucking Trump, and you fucked that up.
Probably a better book.
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