The most impressive thing.

The highly anticipated, hilariously underwhelming, incredibly rare, but apparently not so rare depending on where you are in the world, cosmic event of the century came and went with the same thrill to disappointment ratio one experiences when unleashing the wrath of the Super Ultimate Cobra Snake firework.

martin-sheenPictured: Defeat

Other than serving as an incredible scam opportunity for the sub-standard paper glasses industry, revealing socio-economic divides between your friends based on the quality of their attempts to photograph the event, and finally giving people a reason to travel to Wyoming, it shared with us a new plateau for either media bias, incredible sarcasm, or just absolute us becoming an absolute mockery, I can’t decide. The only man more polarizing than the legendary yeast extract Marmite, Supreme Ruler Trump, was able to break away from presidenting for a minute, and despite warnings from the crowd, glare rather menacingly into the burning sphere of gasses that heats our humble rock.

Few people were surprised that the most recent man voted into the highest position of office for one of the world’s largest superpowers had either forgotten or ignored something that we were all warned against from childhood. Perhaps it’s a sign of declining standards, perhaps it’s simply resignation to the same defeat we’ve come to accept by the years of Super Cobra Snake like disappointments our government has provided us in our lifetime. Either way, most people took a playful shot at the inarticulate artificially orange idiot for his unprotected glance at the heavens that most of those same people probably caught themselves doing as well. However, the ZzZzclipse nor the President’s retinal trauma is actually the point of this piece, it’s this:

I’m not sure if I’m impressed by the delivery of facetiousness or terrified by the possibly the greatest display of media bias to date. And therein lies the rub. The only explanation anyone could ever accept for seriously uttering that phrase is, he has my children captive in an undisclosed dungeon and I have to play along to ensure their safety. But Tucker Carlson later said in an interview with The Wrap, “It was a test to see if liberals are really as slow and humorless as people claim. Turns out they are.”

So you have to wonder, was Carlie Rae Tuckson actually joking or just feigning for sympathy, reacting to the backlash in the same way most children do when they hit a another kid a little too hard and tears start to flow. No offense, but Tuck Tuck isn’t really a known for his humor. Infact, in a piece that followed the next day, Carlson pulled the trigger on a few Trump jokes in the same rapid succession The Departed pulled the trigger on A-list celebrities in its last 10 minutes. They landed in about the same way Martin Sheen did.

martin-sheen *Spoiler alerts*

Then again, Tucker Carlson did appear on Dancing with the Stars, where after standing relatively still while a woman desperately tried to pull some rhythm out of him, he was eliminated the first week, so maybe he is an unpredictable, charismatic nut. Either way you really have to pause for a moment and think about the current state of affairs in the media.

dwts-Tucker Like how this man is considered a star.

Now I’m not saying credible news agencies can’t have a sense of glib about them, that isn’t my point at all. Especially with the popularity of shows like the Daily Show, Colbert Report, and Last Week Tonight, it’s natural for broadcast syndicates to give being funny and relatable a stab. But there is normally an entire audience laughing along with those shows whilst being somewhat educated about the goings on. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jon Stewart close out his show with, “George Bush Jr. has killed more babies than any other sitting President,” followed by deafening silence, a standard zoom out pan shot, and fast rolling of credits.

CNN and MSNBC are vilified by El Presidente as fake news and return their heartfelt sentiments in their reports of him. FOX News was long hailed as the right wing media outlet that supported Republicans no matter what. Infact, Tuckleberry Finn had Trump’s back recently when he defended the president in his response to the recent Charlottesville protests, unless of course that was in jest as well. So let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say that it was satire on plane with the great Don Rickles. Shouldn’t Faux, sorry, FOX be slightly concerned about their reputation when literally every other news organization didn’t think they were joking and still don’t? I mean, isn’t it on Tucker to do a little look introspectively? It’s kind of a fucked up version of crying wolf: “Network that says a lot of crazy shit so who really knows at this point.”

You see, Ole’ Tarlson Cucker isn’t exactly a towering testament to impartial, hard facts journalism. In his time as a… star, Tucker has worked for all of the big three, actually starting with CNN before moving to MSNBC. And while Carlson certainly caters to whatever his network employers demand, he has never been more at home than while occupying the prime time slot on Fox during the current presidency. Listening to Carlson and Trump side by side He doesn’t believe human beings are contributing to climate change, he doesn’t believe we should have any concerns about Russia, and on multiple occasions he has demonized not just illegal but also legal immigrants hosting many segments that tout incorrect statistics about non-natural born citizens. Sound like anyone we know?

david duke Haha, your face when you didn’t see Trump!

You know what, I just thought of a fun game. Let’s throw up some documented and verified quotes and see if you can guess who said them: President Donald J. Trump or Fox News Host Tucker Carlson. I'll throw in the former leader of the Ku Klux Klan as a control.

“If you believe in multiculturalism then by definition you’re not going to rise to defend your culture because it’s equal to every other culture.”

President Donald J. Trump
Imp. Grand Wizard David Duke
Fox New Personality Tucker Carlson

Choose a response.

“When I ran I was a first candidate to talk about how immigration was going be so damaging to the American people.”

President Donald J. Trump
Imp. Grand Wizard David Duke
Fox New Personality Tucker Carlson

Choose a response.

“Our leaders worship multiculturalism, so we encourage immigrants to reject our culture because all cultures are equal, except that they’re not all equal.”

President Donald J. Trump
Imp. Grand Wizard David Duke
Fox New Personality Tucker Carlson

Choose a response.

“It's our right as a sovereign nation to choose immigrants that we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us.”

President Donald J. Trump
Imp. Grand Wizard David Duke
Fox New Personality Tucker Carlson

Choose a response.

“Mexican citizens make up more than 14% of the entire federal prison population.”

President Donald J. Trump
Imp. Grand Wizard David Duke
Fox New Personality Tucker Carlson

Choose a response.

Well that was depressing, huh? Now, the typical knee jerk response is to discredit the gross comparisons that are formed by throwing similarly minded quotes from damning authors such as a racist leader David Duke. The subconsious theme hinted there being if you thought Trump or Carlson said something that David Duke said, they must be racists. Does having a slew of talking points on par with a grand wizard make you a racist? Eh, not necessarily, but it's probably not the best way to introduce yourself at a party. Either way, it's admittedly a fallacy to arrive at those conclusions simply using the throught pattern just described, and that is why I addressed it. My point isn't that these individuals share a disdain for a certain type of human being, or remarkably similar hair cuts, it is the way they go about earning your ear in a conversation. You see, when the retoric you spew is aimed at preying on the bias, prejudices, and misbeliefs about people, groups, or events that your audience likely harbors, you are a demogogue.

remarkable SuperCuts must have had a special.

Demagoguery is the lowest form of leadership because baiting people's fears for support is leadership through manipulation, not rational thought. Whether or not Tucker was joking at the time is known likely only to him. However, when no one can tell if you are joking, lying, giving your own opinion, or mimicking the ideology of a racist, it's time to revisit your values and identity. A lot of people watch this shit called the news, and it matters a great deal who is giving it to them and what they say. Elevating personalities and agendas at the cost of truth and impartiality is reprehensible. Unfortunately, what used to be seen as a responsibility and a privilege, reporting the news is now a battleground for ratings and fame.